I am curious to know, what is the most common reason in your 40 years of experience in family law that people get divorced?
Well, in my experience, normally the wife is the one who initiates family law proceedings for dissolution of marriage. Generally, the biggest reason for divorce is communication issues. Often, the woman in the relationship has been trying to talk to her partner for many years about specific issues, but with a real lack of communication. Then, when she indicates that she is going to move out, that comes as a surprise to her partner who should have known better long before it happened. This situation has the potential to be avoided by talking with me.
Are you suggesting that therapy could help to resolve communication issues?
Yes, first, most people have their own struggles with communicating. Family therapy or couples therapy can be helpful in addressing the underlying problems that miscommunication can cause that eventually may lead to divorce.
Can you give an example of communication issues that you feel happen a lot? What do couples have a major communication breakdown over?
I can give you an example of why people struggle to talk to one another or why their communication is ineffective. Often, partners don't have a sense of what their partner’s zone of privacy is. For example, if I sit at a comfortable length from you and talk to you, you can listen to me without problem. However, if I get very close to you then you might feel defensive and stop listening or participating in the conversation. Frequently, couples don't realize what the zone of privacy is, and their communication suffers. When couples are angry, they may enter the zone of privacy unknowingly and then their partner may not listen to them. So, one thing you could try with your partner even if you have a healthy relationship is to stand back and then say to your partner when am I getting too close to you? When partners do this exercise, then, for the rest of the time they will know how to talk to each other without being threatening. Doing this may help partners better hear each other.
What do you think could prevent a divorce?
This is a very complicated question, but again I think communication is the most important skill to have. Of course, there are other issues that come up between couples like finances, how to raise the children, etc. However, when couples don't talk about these issues and communicate effectively then they just fester. Talking any issues through with your partner is important and will help diminish future problems arising from lack of communication.
You know, actually people come to me, and they ask for prenuptial agreement and then it turns out that they never talked about money and finances, for example.
This is quite common. Couples often get married without ever talking about money or, their in-laws, or any other important issues
Exactly, and sometimes couples will be married for 26 years, and the wife will have never seen her husband's bank accounts.
Yes, this is true.
So, you think that communication is the biggest preventer of divorce and greatest deal breaker if it is ineffective?
I think so yeah. I'm sure you’ve noticed in your practice, I’ve noticed in mine, that couples come in and we almost always become like a therapist to them. This especially becomes apparent if you're trying to get them to talk to one another and it's obvious they don't know how to do that. Miscommunication is, as you know, often the main reason there's issues.
Are there cases where couples reconcile because they were able to communicate with each other?
Yes, my practice is normally to tell couples that before they institute proceedings to dissolve their marriage, they should try to resolve their issues by going to a therapist. Then, I always explain to couples the economic ramifications of divorce. For example, if a client is living in a beautiful home now, I ask them to think about a one bedroom apartment when you sell the house. A lot of times when people realize what a just solution actually means for them economically it causes them to reconsider dissolution and think about it.
How many couples, if I may ask you, have you had who have reconciled?
Oh, I don't know a number, but a lot of them, I think a lot of the people when they actually sit down and look at the economic factors and what it may do to their children and their relationships with other people, they decide to give their marriage another try. I wouldn't say it's a high portion, but it is significant.
That's interesting. And I'm curious to know what was your initial interest in family law and divorce? I have spoken with many attorneys and whenever I say I'm a divorce lawyer their response is, “How can you handle that? That is pretty emotional” and I'm curious, how come you have been involved in divorce and family law for so long?
Well, I think it’s something you just alluded to, which is that not everybody can do it. I always thought that I was good at helping people, and a good family law attorney can almost feel this. Often times, by just talking to your client and I telling them they ought to take another chance at their relationship or just helping couples to see what their issue are, you can save the marriage. I think I’ve done a lot of good because often I would get spouses who would be unhappy about paying alimony and child support and I would tell them, “What’s your reason for not wanting to pay?” and I would tell them if you don't want to pay child support I won't represent you because anybody that doesn't want to pay child support I don't respect. I think because of this a lot of spouses eventually paid child support because I said that to them. I think it's a moral responsibility to support your children. So, attorneys can do a lot of good in that way to a make dissolution of marriage calmer and easier for people and to aid the party in the relationship that needs economic help. I think a lot of attorneys make the mistake of enabling the kind of vengeful and hurtful behavior that may come up in a divorce as opposed to just saying “I won't tolerate that.” So, I think that's one of the really good things family law attorneys are doing is mitigating the emotional and financial damage being done during a dissolution.
This leads me to a very important question. Have you felt that you made a difference in some people's life in a divorce proceeding on particular cases that you could give an example of?
Well, there are people that I discouraged from getting a divorce who stayed together and are still married many years later. Often times the desire to want to end your marriage is situational. Wanting a divorce could stem from economic issues, an affair, illness, etc. If a divorce attorney can help people get through that difficult period of time, it can help the parties save their marriage. I've had numerous clients that I know of that I helped get through their divorce in that way. I know, ultimately, it's the hard work they do. Also, I think a good family law attorney knows of some good therapists and can encourage parties to go there. I think you can save a marriage often.
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