The following steps can apply to couples who are not sure whether divorce is the right course of action or who have already made the decision to divorce but are trying to mitigate painful interactions.
- Couples’ therapist. A couples’ therapist is someone who can help spouses hear each other out through a different angle. A couple’s therapist can operate like a soundboard in that they clarify and amplify the parties’ efforts to communicate efficiently, and problem solve. The therapist acts as a mediating third party who clarifies misunderstandings and disagreements that arise between couples, especially where a party may not be communicating effectively or when tensions are high. For many couples, one individual may be triggered when their spouse says something, but that exact comment may not be triggering when it is said by someone else or in a different way. It can also be really helpful to negotiate— when I, myself, have negotiated in the past I have noticed that parties can be so sure of their side that they are not able to hear what the other party is actually saying. Then, when I negotiate between the parties and translate to one party the same message, but with different words and a different face then it is less triggering and more understandable. For these reasons, I recommend couples therapy.
- Location. Whether it's a vacation on your own or with your spouse, a vacation has the capability to relax us. It relaxes our senses, body, and mind from the stress of our everyday lives. I recommend going on vacation somewhere where the climate is warm and calming. Going on a vacation to a place like New York city may not be helpful as it can be a hectic and active atmosphere. But going to a place where parties can think, reflect, and walk or swim or just do something they enjoy will be helpful. It is always a good idea to come from a relaxed state of mind versus an exhausted state.
- Individual Therapy. Individual therapy can be helpful for a few reasons. Mainly, whether we want to admit it or not, our past does affect the way we currently perceive the world and our lives. Even a small shift in perspective can aid a party in changing their behavior, outlook, and demeanor. Just like a ship setting its sights on one location, a slight adjustment can completely change where the ship will end up. This is similar to how individual therapy can help parties through making a small shift that leads to a huge difference.
- Educate Yourself. Educating yourself can mean many things. It could be acquiring new interests, a new hobby, or going to a divorce attorney and figuring out your options. It could mean taking a self-improvement class or anything that stimulates new knowledge. Engaging in something like this shifts the party’s focus from the problem into something they really enjoy doing.
Remember that you are not alone. Finding someone who is on the same page as you, whether it's a therapist and/or a divorce lawyer, can be very helpful in offering support during a difficult decision-making time. Consider reaching out or engaging with someone who will help you feel supported and reassure you that you are not going through this process by yourself.
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