I have been married before and divorced. I have also been single for about six years before I got married again. The reason I am sharing this, is so that you may realize some of the things that I find important in a partner, you might consider for yourself as well. After my divorce, I was in a relationship with men who were not emotionally available to me. I didn't realize their emotional unavailability until after the fact, and it took me a couple of years to realize the relationship wasn’t working out. The reality is, when someone, for example, is going through a divorce, they become incredibly busy. I dated a man who was going through a divorce, and he had a little daughter. We would make plans and he would cancel at last minute, which didn’t work well for me. Then, when I dated an entrepreneur who was frequently working very hard on his project, it was also very hard on me to feel like I was important to him and the relationship.
So, I made an “important qualities” list:
- Emotionally Available
- This doesn't mean I have to be his number one priority all the time, I'm not saying that I need to be the center of the universe for him. However, it would be good to feel that he has a life and work and important things to do, but that I am also in that realm of importance alongside those things.
- How We Respond to a Conflict
- How my partner responds to a conflict affects me as well. For example, if he walks away during a conflict, it doesn't make me feel like I’ve been heard or that I’m important. If he stays in the conflict, I'm more likely to stay too. So, it's helpful for me to be with a person who can stay in a difficult situation because it's very important to deal with conflicts as they arise and know he is not going to walk away on me if he disagrees with my point of view.
- Similar Lifestyle
- Having a comparable lifestyle to my partners is important to me. It would make my relationship easier if how I make choices on clothes, food, exercise, and other things is similar to my partners decisions regarding that. For example, if I'm sick and he brings me fast food versus a homemade meal, which do you think am I going to like more? I'm lucky enough that my husband really likes cooking and I don't. It's not the biggest thing that’s important to me, but in general, I think having a mutual understanding of what is important to each spouse and having similarities is significant. For example, I went to eat dinner with my friend and her date, and everything was very expensive, and we couldn't choose a meal to share. The point is, I feel it is easier to go through life with someone who has similar lifestyle and understanding as you do.
- Avoids Criticizing
- Another thing I found, is that when a partner criticizes little things about my appearance like my hair, my lip gloss, or my nails over time it was wore me down. I felt my self-esteem was low and it is important to me to feel good about myself. It’s necessary to pay attention to how he is treating me. If my partner is nitpicking me on everything I do, then I might become so self-conscious that I'm unable to be productive in life. I won’t be able to help other people if I'm constantly focusing on myself. Continuously asking myself “am I saying this right?” or “Am I doing this right?” will cause tension. The point is, how do I feel? I believe Maya Best said something like, it's not what he says and what the person says, it's how they make me feel. I totally agree with her.
- Integrity
- Finally, integrity is important to me. Is he honest with himself? Does he know that he likes certain things and not others? If it comes to religion, is he truthful to himself? And is he communicating that with me? If he wants children, is he telling me that? Or is he able to respond if I don't want certain things? Integrity includes faithfulness, communication, and honesty. These important qualities all fall under the umbrella of integrity. Even white lies, matter to me. I've also been in a relationship where my partner wouldn't tell me the whole story. He would tell me almost everything but leave out one very important thing. He wouldn’t tell me the full truth and that hurt me.
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